PROLOGUE:
• Pack your fists full of hate
take a swing at the world
these kids stick to themselves
carry angst in their words
where will never be apart
of this cursed town,
so we stand amongst ourselves
watch it burn to the ground
burn to the ground.
(Ceremony – Kersed)
INTRO
FADE-IN EXT. (FIRST PERSON CAMERA FEELING) FOGGY AND DEPRESSIVE DYSTOPIAN FANTASY CITY SHOT FROM ENORMOUS HEIGHT, TGHT-ROPE WALKER APPEARS FROM THE TOP LEFT CORNER – EVENING
TIGHT-ROPE WALKER, (age ~20 girl) quickly and easily moves on the wires between buildings and other constructions using her umbrella to elegantly keep her balance.
CAMERA STARTS FOLLOWING HER FROM THE BACK
TIGHT-ROPE WALKER, starts jumping from one edge to another, from one wire to another, using her umbrella almost like a kite to keep her longer in the air.
CAMERA STOPS FOLLOWING, LANDS IN A COMPOSED POSITION SHOWING AN OPEN AIR RESTAURANT IN ONE OF THE HOUSE’S BALCONY. IT IS HALF EMPTY WITH FEW POOR LOOKING CHARACTERS
ACTION
CAMERA CLOSES-UP TO THE TIGHT-ROPE WALKER
TIGHT-ROPE WALKER, looks tired, (it seems cold around) sits down near the bar and without a reason attracts everybody’s attention.
CAMERA LOOKS UP
A POGO STICK KID, (~6 years old boy) appears jumping from a roof to another making clouds of dust.
TIGHT-ROPE WALKER, ignores.
FEW CHARACTERS, takes a short look at him.
CAMERA STARTS FOLLOWING THE KID
A POGO STICK KID, Childishly, but unpleasantly tries to take everybody’s attention by making annoying sounds and making a mess in all over the place. He gats a bit annoyed by himself in the end. He keeps overdoing everything, jumps over the bar grabs a bottle (it seems that waiter doesn’t care too), smacks it on the table, fills a glass taken right out of the waiter’s hands and vigorously gives it to the girl.
CAMERA CONCENTRATES ON TIGHT-ROPE WALKER
TIGHT-ROPE WALKER, stands up and just leaves.
CONCLUSION
CAMERA GET'S BACK TO THE KID
WAITER, (a strong looking man) decides to teach the kid for some lesson, picks him up on a scruff. He throws the kid through the table and shouts to get out.
POGO STICK FALLS FROM BOYS HANDS AND HITS A TABLE
KID'S EYES FOCUSED
FADE-OUT
Domantas - maybe I'm missing something - but you don't have a story here; you have a series of events and a strong mood, but it's not a story; reconsider the elements that make a story work: I want you to look again at the 3 act structure diagram and related ideas in relation to your 3 components. Your current story certainly isn't derived from your characters; they just populate your restaurant setting like 'props'. I don't think you're yet doing the real craft of the story-teller... or asking any of the really pertinent questions. Your three story components are still separate and arbitrary in your story; they don't intersect or combine in any meaningful way... you need to think more laterally.
ReplyDeletego bounce some new ideas around with your writing partner...
ReplyDeleteOk, thats why I started It so early. It is much easyer to notice my mistakes like that. I can see that the story is awkward. I will make it more logical ofcourse.
ReplyDelete